I have this condition called pseudohypoparathyroidism – that was – pseudo-hypo-para-thyroidism. My body doesn’t absorb calcium like it is supposed to and therefore I am short in stature because my bones didn’t grow all the way. I am 40 years old and 4′ 9″. Another thing that happens is that my body has had a tendency to hold on to weight. There was always weight to lose.
Can you imagine going into the doctor’s office at 11 years old and having the doctor telling you that you had to weigh one hundred pounds because of your height and then living the rest of your life trying to reach that goal? No matter how old I got I always had it in the back of my head that I am supposed to weigh 100 lbs. Yes, even at 40 years old, there are days when I wonder what it would be like to weigh 100 lbs. That is the craziness of eating disorders. They have the ability to hold on to something and never let go. I found things to distract me from my thoughts. I figured that if I moved enough, somehow I might lose that weight that I wasn’t “supposed” to have on my body. I was a gymnast from the age of twelve till the age of 16. Then I joined the band in high school and was a color guard. I knew I could get exercise that way. I was always moving unless I was reading. I started getting into rearranging my room at one point in high school. Now, granted, my room was not that big and yet I moved around so many times I think my mom lost count. I always thought that life would be better somewhere else. Life would be better if I were someone else. I always liked to help people because it made me feel better about my presence on the planet. I would live for someone else and then I would be ok. If I ate for someone else then I would be ok.
Often times I though “I am so fat already -I shouldn’t need food”. I felt guilty for being hungry. I would sneak food at night time because I was so hungry. I didn’t know it then, but I think that was due to low blood sugar. I was always worried when I was growing up. Taking care of every one else gave me some sort of purpose and then I left my body in the process. Oh, how I loved to be out of my body, you know, that flighty feeling, where nothing else matters. I could be in my own world. Then it was time to eat. Oh, how I hated food. I have always hated food. I would question every bite I put in my mouth. Would this be the bite that would be the end of my life as I knew it? At first I was afraid food was going to make me fat and I would be so ugly that I would be shunned from the planet for all eternity, and then I hated to put food in my mouth because I was afraid of how I would feel, would I continue to be lightheaded, get the sweats, feel sick to my stomach, get irritable, want to fight someone or just want to pass out??? All because of one thing -sugar. It’s a love, hate relationship. There were times when it got so bad when I had to walk around for a bit after eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup because I felt like I had eaten too much. For the longest time I was tested for diabetes and all the tests came back negative.
The doctors told me that I was insulin resistance and the only thing that would help is to lose weight, exercise and watch what I ate… you know what I heard?? I get to compulsively exercise, take all kinds of supplements and restrict my food and it will be ok because the doctors told me too. When I told a Doctor that I had an eating disorder they said “Do you like throw up?” I said no and before I could explain-they said “”You mean, you like starve yourself?” I wanted to say “Well, you know what, sometimes I do!” There was total judgment in the doctor’s voice and then he said it was probable a good thing I had an “alleged” eating disorder because that way my weight stays down. Individuals with Pseudohypoparathyroism can have outward signs of obesity.
Eating Disorders are about much more than the food we put in our mouths. It is the way an individual sees themselves in relationship with their world. What is going on in their outside world reflects what is going on inside of them. For instance, I spent a lot of time running around because I feared being still. If I was still I would have to be in my body and I would do anything to be out of my body. If I am in my body then I need to look at what is going on in my life and then I am more aware of the people around me and Oh, my gosh, what would happen if anyone actually saw me, then they might see what a horrible and disgusting person I was and then I would be alone. If I was alone, I would be nothing and the truth is I didn’t want to know the truth, the truth that I was and am something. I have worth. I am worthy of taking of space on the planet. What would happen if I actually took ownership of my life and was comfortable taking up space. What if there was nothing left to hate myself for? Who would I be then? When we peel away the anger, hurt, and the pain, what is left? LOVE.
Here are some thoughts to ponder…
What challenges am I encountering in my life?
Am I running from them?
What steps can I take to slow down?
What would it feel like to be still?